Relationship experts always ask themselves *this* before reconnecting with an ex

Sure, reconnecting with an ex is a possibility, but it might not be easy—here's how to navigate your way through it

nancy rodriquez and bartise bowden from love is blind
(Image credit: Netflix © 2022)

When it comes to reconnecting with an ex, don't rush to send a text you might regret and think twice before you acknowledge that DM.

Yes, it is possible to stay friends with an ex, and just because you split doesn't necessarily mean you parted ways on bad terms. We totally get it—there's no need for negativity—but stop to ask yourself why you're inviting this particular person back into your life.

If you are toying with the idea of reopening the lines of communication and all of the emotion that could potentially come along with it, dating and relationship coaches want you to be mindful of one thing before proceeding. 

The one thing to *always* ask yourself before reconnecting with an ex

Yes, we all have our own breakup coping mechanisms—and a universal need for Adele ballads when heartbreak hits—but if you are getting reacquainted with a past S.O., dating coaches insist that you always revisit the past and what went wrong, as difficult as it might be. 

"Are the issues that broke us up in the first place actually able to or likely to change? If not, it's not worth it and will just prolong the heartbreak and you're emotionally unavailable to meet someone new," says Erika Kaplan, the VP of Membership at Three Day Rule Matchmaking.

Erika Kaplan headshot
Erika Kaplan

Erika Kaplan is the VP of Membership at Three Day Rule Matchmaking, an exclusive, personal dating experience available across the U.S. that promises quality connection.

Likewise, matchmaker and relationship coach Julia Bekker is cautious before waving the green flags and insists that history might repeat itself when dealing with a former partner.

"Why do you want to reconnect? How will it help your life be better," she asks. "The reason you broke up the first time is usually the reason you will break up again."

Are you willing to go possibly go through that pain for a second time?

Julia Bekker headshot
Julia Bekker

The founder, matchmaker and dating coach of Hunting Maven, Julia Bekker has been in the business for 15+ years. Her goal is to connect with her clients and help them find real love and compatibility.

Tips for reconnecting with an ex

Despite the discomfort, you've decided to proceed with allowing your ex back into your life. It might not necessarily be an easy transition, but there are ways to work through it somewhat seamlessly. Patience, dears.

1. Take an honest approach

You have to be honest with your partner, but most importantly, yourself. Do you want your second shot at love to be just that, or are you simply looking to keep things platonic? Be clear about what you want before moving forward.

"If you are completely over them and genuinely miss your friendship and it won't impact you emotionally then go for it," Bekker says. "If you are trying to get back together it's important to have an honest conversation with them to get on the same page."

2. Check in with yourself

Throughout this new phase of your relationship, you'll want to take a step back to analyze how it's going and how you're feeling about the developments. 

"Be very mindful and intentional. Do continuous gut checks along the way on how you are feeling and if it's different than "last time," Kaplan says. "Be aware that you will probably fall in deeply quickly since you are not starting from scratch, so you need to be prepared for that."

3. Hold your partner accountable

It takes two to tango, so make sure that if you're giving your romance or friendship another shot, both parties have to show up.

"Proceed with caution and make sure they are doing the work," Bekker advises.
"If they are willing to put in the work to correct whatever was not working, and you think they actually can and that the relationship is salvageable, you will be inclined to give it another chance."

4. You can change your mind...but be prepared

Should you realize that your second chance was a failed attempt, you are encouraged to do what feels authentic to you, while taking other people's feelings into consideration, of course. However, know that trying to reignite a flame again might not be possible.

Danielle Valente
Digital News Writer

Need a TV show recommendation? Maybe a few decor tips? Danielle, a digital news writer at Future, has you covered. Her work appears throughout the company’s lifestyle brands, including My Imperfect Life, Real Homes, and woman&home. Mainly, her time is spent at My Imperfect Life, where she’s attuned to the latest entertainment trends and dating advice for Gen Z.

Before her time at Future, Danielle was the editor of Time Out New York Kids, where she got to experience the best of the city from the point of view of its littlest residents. Before that, she was a news editor at Elite Daily. Her work has also appeared in Domino, Chowhound, and amNewYork, to name a few. 

When Danielle’s not writing, you can find her testing out a new recipe, reading a book (suggestions always welcome), or rearranging the furniture in her apartment…again.