What exactly is 'sologamy'? You're going to fall in love with this mentality...and yourself

We spoke to the life coach who brought the term into mainstream vocabulary

woman in red sweater looking at hand with engagement ring with nyc skyline in the distance, meant to symbolize sologamy
(Image credit: krblokhin/Getty Images)

Curious about the term "sologamy"? Well, it all began with a trip to the Brooklyn Flea in 2015.  

Barrett Pall had been perusing antiques and accessories ahead of a photoshoot when he discovered a ring. The seemingly inconsequential purchase ended up being more than a fashion accessory—it kickstarted his whole new mindset towards love. 

"You know, it just kind of came to me," he admitted to My Imperfect Life. "I want to find a partner, and I want to marry someone else, but I hadn't married myself."

With that in mind, he sat down on the Brooklyn waterfront post-photoshoot, the Lower Manhattan skyline before him, and made a promise to love himself in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, 'til death. With his personal vows in the rearview, Pall had slipped on the ring and prepared to embrace a complete 180.  

"It was a really big shift for me and leaned into another level of self-love [and] self-compassion," he said. 

What is 'sologamy'?

Oftentimes, we get bogged down in finding our other. We're always in search of useful online dating tips. We're curious about the perfect way to have the defining the relationship talk. And of course, we're committed to making our union last. But do we stop to take time for ourselves before committing to someone else?

After a negative and toxic relationship, Pall had felt as thought it was due time to change his approach. 

"I'm someone that loves love, and I realized after that relationship that I had been looking to put all this love that I had into other people, but not really put it into myself."

Sologamy is just that, loving yourself, though Pall confesses that he never coined the term. After a viral post on TikTok (below) and sharing his story with Ryan Seacrest, sologamy came into the social media vernacular. 

A life coach and digital wellness creator, Pall (@barrettpall) uses his platform to promote self love, gratitude and positivity. 


♬ original sound - Big Bro Bear

How does he keep this notion in mind? Well, not only does he have several rings— testaments to his vows in Brooklyn and subsequent vow renewals in Australia—but Pall practices gratitude each day by waking up and listing five things he's grateful for. This shifts focuses on your blessings and what you have, even if that doesn't include a partner. 

"Part of self-love is coming back to "you are enough" what you have is enough," Pall said. "That doesn't mean you can't want more for yourself, but allow yourself to feel supremely connected to, in many ways,  that inner child that wasn't tarnished by society yet."

But like other trending hashtags on TikTok and viral success stories, the self-marriage notion came with a few naysayers along the way. 

"I think a lot of people took this extremely literally, like I went to the court house and married myself legally," he joked. 

But on a serious note, he hopes everyone embraces this idea—even said naysayers. 

"Why would you be skeptical of loving yourself when you're the only person you can't divorce," Pall questions. "You're with you forever, whether you like it or not."

Not only has this attitude resulted in Pall's "healthiest, happiest and kindest" relationship, but it also gave him the opportunity to reassess what type of lifestyle works well for him, like his now vegan meal plan. (Psst: check out our guide to vegan for beginners.) 

Yes, Pall's idea of self-marriage allows you to fall in love and pursue the romantic partner you've been dreaming of, but it encourages you not to forget about yourself in the process, and we could all use that reminder. 

Barrett Pall

Barrett is a life coach and digital wellness expert. Certified in Behavioral Change from the American Council of Exercise, Pall incorporates the mind, body, soul and emotional space into his practice. He has also contributed in humanitarian work while journeying his way through all seven continents. Catch his writing in the Huffington Post, where he's been a contributor since 2017.

Danielle Valente
Digital News Writer

Need a TV show recommendation? Maybe a few decor tips? Danielle, a digital news writer at Future, has you covered. Her work appears throughout the company’s lifestyle brands, including My Imperfect Life, Real Homes, and woman&home. Mainly, her time is spent at My Imperfect Life, where she’s attuned to the latest entertainment trends and dating advice for Gen Z.

Before her time at Future, Danielle was the editor of Time Out New York Kids, where she got to experience the best of the city from the point of view of its littlest residents. Before that, she was a news editor at Elite Daily. Her work has also appeared in Domino, Chowhound, and amNewYork, to name a few. 

When Danielle’s not writing, you can find her testing out a new recipe, reading a book (suggestions always welcome), or rearranging the furniture in her apartment…again.